Triumphant Trepidation

Today is a "mixed feelings" day. On the one hand, I found out I really DID pass my law exams. It was pretty scary, and not very well thought out: they had a list of names of people who did NOT pass. How inconsiderate of the tutors. I was practically holding my breath as I scanned the names on the list... and breathed a sigh of relief when I found out my name was not on the list.

Dunno what I scored, but I'll be getting a certificate to prove that I know my commercial and company law! I'm glad not because of the cert, but because I now have more time to devote to the other subjects...

Especially since the accounting exam today was tough as nails. I skipped a 5 mark question, and STILL ran out of time... I can feel my hopes of being a high-scoring bastard ebbing away... I'm not even sure if I'll PASS this. Thank God I passed law. If I hadn't, I'd be doubly depressed knowing that I'd have to go through those 240 pages of boring law text once more...

Well, I deserve a break, so I'm gonna just chill with my guitar tonight. More studying tomorrow, followed by the ball. Wonder how THAT will go.

State of the Art World

See this?

If that's art, my little sister can do just as well, if not better. Sigh, I MUST be growing old and getting out of touch with society. I just don't "get" modern art. Are artists to be praised for imitating the art style of toddlers? Or putting pieces of garbage on display?

*Scratch head*

Who Am I?

Remember the story about the blind men, each groping a different part of an elephant (ahem), and giving a different interpretation to what an elephant is?

So I'm wondering to what extent this applies to us, living in a society full of "blind" observers.

Every action of ours is observed and interpreted by others. Even the act of living a life of "No Mind" (see earlier posts) will be observed and interpreted by those in the vicinity. Ironic, given that we hardly give our own actions much thought. At least, I don't.

So, I'm giving my actions some consideration now, and I wonder if those around me consider me arrogant.

Like today, for example, I was really excited to have received my two test results back (law exam results on Thursday... gulp), and given that my goal over the coming years is to be among the top in class, if not the region, I was asking those I have observed to be more intelligent than I for their results. Only to find that my scores were higher than theirs.

With hindsight, this action of mine could have been interpreted as trying to "show-off" my results... and the action of posting this thought on the web, a confirmation of my arrogance, my wish to make known my superior intellect, etc...

But geez, I swear, I'm just a normal (ex) graduate, trying to make life better for myself, and to "atone" for my dismal university results. I'm also being paid to study this time, and I see no reason not to.

Ah well, such is life. Montaigne was right: we dare not or can not make those around us understand us, so we write about ourselves, and hope that somewhere out there, a reader does.

Er... yeah. Why?

There I was in Moss Bros, trying out a smart three-button jacket, looking for a tux to hire when the couple before me turns and asks me "Are you working at Big Ass Company?" Stunned, I turn around and reply with a half-cocked eyebrow "Er... yeah. Why?"

Turns out they work there too.

See, I'm hiring the tux for a flashy end-of-year ball in a flashy five star hotel, but whereas I told the sales clerk to put the hire down for Friday, the couple before me had put the order down for Saturday.

Confusion ensued as we tried calling our friends to confirm the date. I ended up being right, and they thanked me for being there :) A few minutes later, I found out they've been working at the company for over 6 years; the woman works in my division. So we agreed to meet again at the ball.

Guess that's a bit of a relief, I'll have some familiar faces to "bump" into on Friday night. I thought I'd be standing around a corner, sipping champagne and feigning an aura of mystery and aloofness, when I'm in fact desperately wanting to talk to someone :)

Law and Orders

Wahey! Just completed my Law Assessment today, dunno what I'll get, but I'm pretty sure I'll pass. Still, Sod's Law may yet apply...

Exams aside, I've hardly got enough time to shi-... er, use the toilet. I've got revision and college work up to my ears! I REALLY want to chill out today... REALLY want to just kick back and relax... play some guitar... play some Sims 2... BUT, I have classes tomorrow, and homework due for tomorrow, and I've barely scratched the needed reading material to complete this work. Sigh... long night ahead.

Oh, just found out who my first client is... and now, I'll spend sleepless nights wondering how wonderfully I'll cock up once October rolls along. What fun.

Silence of the Sheep

Lame title, I know.

But it does relate to my blog's unchanging state over the last few days, so what the heck, I'll use it anyway.

Work's been crazy... or rather, studies. Never studied this hard at uni...which probably explains my less-than-stellar results. I mean, I've been cramming so much information into my head, I'm actually getting slight headaches. Amazing stuff.

As a result, I took Friday and Saturday night off, indulging myself with a brand new copy of The Sims 2. I should take screenshots and post it up here (coz I'm such a geek), but a combination of laziness and restrictive time schedules prevent me from doing so. But I digress. Sims 2 is FUN.

I have to say though, it is VERY similar to the first game... not that it's a bad thing; the first game was great after all. But I just LOVE the teeny toddlers crawling and stumbling round the house... the expressions on the parents' faces when their little babies say their names... all the little details just make this game awesome. The closest thing to playing God. Ever.

Anyway, I better crawl back into the books. Exams on Thursday. *Shudder*

Anger

Anger is a dangerous emotion. It's like fire... volatile, all-consuming, easy to feed, and ultimately destructive.

I consider myselft to be a generally composed, even laid back, person. But yester-eve, I got into a huge row with my dad. Huge. I never felt so intensely pissed off before... I could literally feel the veins in my head pulsing as we argued. The thing is, I can hardly remember how it started... I know it's trivial, and I apologized later (even though I knew that I wasn't wrong) but I can't help but feel that this is going to bury deep within me. And that it'll get ugly later.

I now know why children ultimately move away from their parents. Sometimes, in order to keep loving them, you have to avoid them. The generation gap grows wider with every year we grow older.

The strange thing is, I was only trying to keep the family together. Now, I only want to leave. Weird how things turn out.

No Mind

An unlikely quote from an unlikely film, used in an unlikely situation, provides an epiphany worth blogging about.

"No Mind" is a quote from the film "The Last Samurai."

Basically, in one scene, the protagonist is trying to learn how to use the katana, and fails quite amusingly... until he adheres to the advice given to him by another samurai: "No mind." He was paying too much attention to what others thought of him, what others did, what his enemy is thinking, where the enemy's sword is, where his sword is, etc... too much to think about!

No Mind.

And I think it's a philosophy I should adopt in my life. I mind too much. I hold back questions, actions, words, and emotions because I mind what others would think or say if I did this, or that, or said something untoward.

No mind.

Say what I want. Do what I want. Live how I want. Clean, and simple! "No Mind!"

In fact, I've been trying out that philosophy after the "Pen Saga." "No mind," I told myself, and apologized to her in public. "No mind," I said to myself, and publicly voiced questions, doubts, etc, during tutorials in front of 40 peers. "No mind," I repeated as I stayed back to revise, and to do some advance work while most of my peers left.

And today, I'm happy as a sausage. "No mind" meant that I was happily chatting away with several very interesting gals after work, persuading bouncers to let me into a pub free, getting extra food for my table... it was actually quite amazing!

Yeah. No Mind. It works.

The Cramming Begins

Yesterday was such a bad day, I couldn't even post my blog! Furthermore, I discovered the pretty girl DID NOT steal my pen... it was rolled up in some wires that came with my new laptop. Doh.

Imagine my embarrassment when I apologized to her this morning. Of course, I didn't do it sheepishly, I did it publicly and honestly... not that it helps. What in the world came over me yesterday?

Anyway, today was a much better day. I had to cram about 100 pages of worth of information into my head in about 7 hours, but at least I understood what I was doing throughout the whole time.

It's a bit scary though... I had pre-reading material to prepare me for the influx of information... and so could just about keep ahead of the tutor... I can't imagine how it must be like to have gone in without pre-reading. The lessons were fast and furious... barely enough time to absorb an "Important Concept" and we were on to the next. Phew!

Still, was good to have 2 friends stay back with me... equally hungry for a position within the top 10 of excelling students. I must remember to keep this hunger going... even through the bad patches. ESPECIALLY through the bad patches.

Ok, better hit the books for a bit. Those who wait don't get awards. Or something.

A Not-So-Good Day

Wow, am I in a foul mood today. Many reasons... let's see...

1. Early start.
2. Exhausting day.
3. Information overload.
4. Traffic jam on the way to work.
5. Traffic jam on the way back.
6. Pretty girl stole my pen.

Yes, the last one is particularly petty, but aren't foul days made up of teeny annoying things that occur throughout the day? Well, what happened was... I brought two pens to work. As the day progressed, had to move places several times, which is when I suspect I "lost" my pen. Pretty girl was sitting by my side both times, so when I noticed at the end of the day that she was holding a pen looking VERY MUCH like mine, I asked her very politely if it was mine. She said it was hers. Fine. I've rummaged through my stuff, I'm damned sure it's mine. Bah, I've become a scrooge. What the hell do I care about some stupid pen??? Hmm, maybe I'm just subconciously pissed off that the pretty girl doesn't seem too attracted to me. Oh well, more evidence of the opacity of human psychology...

What next? Ah, my exhausted state. Damn, if today wasn't a tiring day... so much to learn, so much to do, and hardly enough time to soak anything in. I definitely need an effective method to de-stress... gym? Martial arts? How the heck am I going to do these activities when I feel completely drained after work?

Oh waitaminute, I can't even publish my blogs properly. Weird day.

Heck, I'm even tired of complaining.

Well, tomorrow I'm going to have an even earlier start. And I'm pretty sure the stuff I'm learning tomorrow will be far more exhausting than today. Wahey. You can probably feel the enthusiasm oozing out of every word I've written. Right.Things will get better. One day. I hope.

Day 2

A new found friend picked me up from home today, and we went to work together. Cool guy with an Oxford PhD, switched to finance too. Prolly will go to work with him the rest of this week. I feel a little guilty for inconveniencing him... but my place is in between our workplace and his place. And he gets reimbursed for the fuel costs...

Need to learn to drive. Almost a requirement for the job. Gotta get the loan ASAP.

Noticed quite an imbalance in the intake: 78% male! Oh well, less distractions I suppose. Anyway, gotta go through some reading material. Maybe I'll have time to write more later.

I'm Now a GDP Contributor

On Work.

Tax rates in the UK are atrocious! Not that I know what tax rates in other countries are like... I just felt like ranting! I mean, geez, 30% of my salary goes to the freakin' government! And I'm hardly making ends meet myself! Grr...

Still, today was an AWESOME day. First day at work, first encounters with loads of people all across London... although I now wish I mingled a bit more. At the time, I just felt like getting to know my future colleagues better, hence didn't get to know many people from other regions of London. Now, I'm thinking maybe getting a few external contacts would have been pretty helpful from a social point of view. Ah well... spilt milk, crying, and all that.

The events held by this Big Global Company were top notch too. I didn't know team painting could be so much fun. Will put up a picture of our team's efforts once I get it. So fun!

The people I met were extremely cool, and easy to talk to. The cynical part of me realizes that everyone's just putting on a mask... but heck, if they can keep these masks on while we work together, we'll have a fantastic time.

We got good champagne at the end of the day too... what a way to end it! All in all, I'm very impressed, and very proud to have got this job. The cynical me wonders how long this will last. Hmm.

Something else.

On a separate note, a kind soul sent me a Gmail invite (after I unashamedly asked for one). Check out her blog at http://cedia.blogspot.com. I now have a Gmail account! Woohoo! Thank you, Cedia!

20 Hours Left

Argh! The excitement is killing me! My personal headline reads "Graduate About to Enter the Real World!" Yea, sure, it's happening to millions of people out there... but that doesn't change how I feel!

Let's see... got my suit ready. Suitcase's packed, jukebox charged, mobile charged... great. Hmm, holes in most of my socks, gotta buy new pairs. May need a couple new suits too. Will use a part of the loan to cover these purchases.

Hmm, taking a quick glance at my Xbox and PS2, I know I will miss their company *sniff.* It's a chicken and egg paradox though... If I don't work, I won't have the money to purchase and play games. When I play games, I wish I didn't have to work. Oh well.

I will miss my guitar too... then again, I may find new people to jam with! Oh well, mixed feelings all-in-all. More money but less leisure time.

See, this isn't just a 9-5 job. The next three years involve a whole lot of studying too, it's part of my contract. So I'll be working 9-5, and spending a big part of my leisure time studying too. Hence, I'll definitely need to cutback on other activities... anyway, I'll find out over the coming weeks!

Anxiety Mixed With Outrage

Outrage.

I feel outraged because it happened: the siege ended in bloodshed.

I expected it to, but it doesn't make the reality easier to accept. However, I don't understand how some people can actually blame the Russian government for the end result. Again, I expected this, but I still cannot understand the rational behind such accusations. I mean, the terrorists killed off the adults and the injured, refused pleas for hostage swaps, refused the admission of food and water... did anyone actually expect a peaceful resolution to this? Did anyone actually think the terrorists would accept concessions or make compromises? Did anyone actually think the terrorists would be reasonable???

Anxiety.

I feel anxious because I shall begin work in a few days. So much rides on my performance at work... it's tough being the sole breadwinner in the house... especially when one is responsible for unemployed parents, and 3 other siblings. Sigh. My dad needs to get his act together, and soon. I can't be expected to fulfill his responsibilities... I want to have a life of my own too, and not spend it patching up his life. Selfish? Yes, but when I see almost every cent I earn going into bills that ought to be settled by my father, I can't help feeling a little resentful...

Still, I try to put my problems in a global perspective... it's really nothing compared to the anguish that the victims of the siege are feeling. My heart goes out to them this night.

True Terror

This hostage taking is a truly terrifying act.

Will terrorists ever consider anything too immoral to fulfill their goals? What drives these people to such cruel measures? It certainly isn't religion in this case, as the likely perpetrators are Chechen rebels. Can independence truly be worth the cost of the lives of children? Humanity stoops ever lower in its struggle to kill itself.

What to do now? Send in their SAS equivalent (Spetznaz?), and risk the lives of innocent children? Give in to their demands, thus sparing the kids, but encouraging the repeat of these attacks in future? Negotiation is obviously unavoidable... but how long before frayed nerves result in lost lives?

All I can say is, I hate these Chechen rebels now, and any sympathy I might have had with their cause has evaporated into disgust. Give in to their demands, I say, let them walk out, let them think they are free, and kill them when they least expect it. It won't solve the long term problem of Chechnya, but it'd sure as hell make me feel better. Bastards.